Looking for funny Valentine’s Day quotes that keep things light, honest, and a little sarcastic? This list is packed with laugh‑out‑loud lines that capture love as it really is, messy, sweet, awkward, and never too serious.
Perfect for Valentine’s Day cards, captions, texts, or anyone who prefers humor over hearts and clichés.
Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes
• “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles M. Schulz
• “Love is sharing your popcorn.” — Charles M. Schulz
• “I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.” — Elizabeth Evans
• “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
• “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” — Joyce Brothers
• “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin
• “Love is an ocean of emotions surrounded by expenses.” — Lord Dewar
• “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin
• “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
• “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck
• “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” — Jules Renard
• “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman
• “Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.” — Julia Child
• “We’re all a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible, we join up.” — Dr. Seuss
• “Love is being stupid together.” — Paul Valéry
• “Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what they are missing.” — Unknown (commonly attributed joke)
• “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet.” — Will Ferrell
• “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.” — Henny Youngman
• “Love is blind—but marriage is a real eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason
• “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” — Audrey Hepburn
• “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” — Erich Segal
• “True love stories never have endings.” — Richard Bach
• “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” — Albert Einstein
• “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” — Albert Einstein
• “Love is telling someone their zipper is down or their wig is crooked.” — Joan Rivers
• “I want to be married to my wife forever.” — Bill Murray
• “An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie
• “Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” — Robert A. Heinlein
• “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” — Oscar Wilde
• “Men should be careful not to let marriage interfere too much with their careers.” — Oscar Wilde
• “Love is fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” — Joan Crawford
• “Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden.” — Oscar Wilde
• “The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” — Blaise Pascal
• “Love is friendship set on fire.” — Jeremy Taylor
• “There is no remedy for love but to love more.” — Henry David Thoreau
• “Love is a temporary insanity.” — Louis de Bernières
• “Love conquers all things—except maybe the remote control.” — Attributed humor
• “Being in love means being able to see the humor in things.” — Fran Lebowitz
• “A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx
• “Love is telling someone to go to sleep because you care.” — Phyllis Diller
• “I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.” — Woody Allen
• “A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt.” — Spanish proverb (popularized quote)
• “The only thing worse than being single on Valentine’s Day is being in the wrong relationship.” — Chris Rock
• “Love is when you find someone who knows all your flaws and still likes you.” — Sam Levenson
• “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” — Dr. Seuss
• “Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.” — H. L. Mencken
• “A good relationship is like a good joke—timing is everything.” — Unknown comedian quote
• “The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” — Morrie Schwartz
• “Love is when someone else’s happiness matters more than your own.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
• “Being in love is having your worst fears realized.” — Alain de Botton
• “Love is a lot like a backache—it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns
• “Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.” — St. Jerome
• “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” — H. L. Mencken
• “Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” — Franklin P. Jones
• “The course of true love never did run smooth.” — William Shakespeare
• “Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
• “To be brave is to love someone unconditionally.” — Madonna
• “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” — Aristotle
• “Love is the greatest refreshment in life.” — Pablo Picasso
• “Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination.” — Voltaire
• “There is always some madness in love.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
• “Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat.” — Ben Hecht
• “Where there is love there is life.” — Mahatma Gandhi
• “Love is sharing your life with someone who still lets you control the thermostat.” — Jerry Seinfeld
• “Marriage is basically whispering ‘What?’ from different rooms.” — Unknown (popular comedian line)
• “I like being married. It’s nice to have someone who understands your weirdness.” — Ellen DeGeneres
• “Love is telling someone to stop chewing so loudly—politely.” — Joan Rivers
• “The problem with love is that it always involves two people with different snack preferences.” — Jim Gaffigan
• “Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener.” — Samuel Goldwyn
• “I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.” — Ali Wong
• “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.” — Unknown
• “Love is when someone ruins your food order and you forgive them.” — Kevin Hart
• “Being in a relationship is just committing to one person to annoy forever.” — Amy Schumer
• “I knew I was in love when my partner became my favorite person to do nothing with.” — Bill Murray
• “Love is agreeing on a restaurant faster than 45 minutes.” — Aziz Ansari
• “The best relationships are built on trust, laughter, and snacks.” — Mindy Kaling
• “Love is being with someone who knows all your flaws and still steals your fries.” — Conan O’Brien
• “Marriage is just texting each other ‘Do we need milk?’ until one of you dies.” — Unknown
• “I love you enough to let you pick the movie… sometimes.” — Tina Fey
• “Love is knowing someone’s flaws and still wanting to sit next to them.” — Dave Barry
• “Love is sharing your fries even when you really don’t want to.” — Anonymous
• “Love is laughing at the same jokes for the rest of your lives.” — Paul Reiser
These funny Valentine’s Day quotes prove that love has always come with laughter, irony, and a little chaos. From classic writers to modern comedians, the best love quotes don’t just say something sweet they make you smile while doing it.
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